I’ve fallen out of love with my work. It’s a familiar feeling. This is by no means the first time I’ve felt this way.
It has caught me by surprise, however. I was pumping, I was high on the rush of it all, high on the newness and most definitely high on the adventure and collaboration with my heart sister, Dalee.
But seasons roll on and with the down gearing of our Summer break has allowed time to be still, reflect, spend time in nature, turn 40 and fall in love with a very special man.
Things feel different now. I prefer living at slower pace, prefer fewer expectations and less to-do’s. It feels in balance. It feels in alignment with nature and with what one woman can comfortably hold.
With the end of our break came with it a sinking feeling, a little patch of dread in the pit of my stomach. Not overwhelming, but loud enough for me to notice.
“What’s this feeling about?” I ask myself?
“I just don’t want to do it anymore” I hear back.
“Huh!? Really!?” I question.
“Yep, I’m tired. The pace is unrelenting and I’m not enjoying it enough to keep it up.”
“Oh.”
This inner dialogue has caught me right off guard because I loved our crazy whirlwind that Dalee and I created. I feel incredibly proud of the impressive wearable art we manifested into reality. I love our work.
Yet, it doesn’t seem to be enough for me to want to work at the pace seemingly required to hold it all. A pace which leaves me no time to explore my other interests, nurture relationships or allow me to take care of myself in the way I deeply feel I deserve.
Soooo….what then?
In sharing this inner dialogue with Dalee, a conversation was had around what it is that we truly want to spend our time doing. What mode do we want to be operating in? What are the aspects of our business that truly nourish us and bring value to the world?
Well it isn’t spending hours packing orders, learning a multitude of apps that seem required to run an online business. It isn’t spending countless hours composing emails, entering data to our book keeping software or counting all our stock after each event. It isn’t THAT.
I’ve been running a clothing brand since I was 23. I’m 40 now and I still feel the same frustration as I did 10 years ago when I realised that I have barely any time to develop my crafts; clothing design and now surface pattern design.
My market stall with my long time brand Gwyllem circa 2010
I’m stuck on the treadmill of keeping a small business going. I’m not getting much better at my craft. I’m not experiencing the joy of developing my art. And even worse…I’m starting to resent it. It feels like a burden.
Knowing there is only very limited time to work on it results in me avoiding it. I’m more in flow with the dry stuff, because I’m doing it so often, so thats where I feel drawn to spending any time that’s ‘leftover.’
Yet, I desire to fully immerse myself in the act of creation. That is where joy lives for me. I’ve been there before. That is where really good art is born. That is where the satisfaction of manifesting something truly worthwhile is felt.
Not in constant distraction by all the daily runnings.
It’s how Dalee and I created our first collection and boy I loved that. It was in complete flow. And it’s why that collection is so good.
New inspirational book that aligns nature with business
Soooo…what then?
Something needs to shift. A new way of thinking as well as a new way of operating. It’s time to be brave. Time to expand. It’s time to level up and shout to the universe, THIS IS WHAT I TRULY WANT! And then go and create it.
Because doing nothing is akin to choosing things to stay the same. And I can’t do the same thing anymore. I’m too old for this shit.
My 40th Birthday cake (complete with 40 candles) made by Dalee
I feel blessed to be walking this path beside Dalee. She is my truth meter. She can feel me. In all her sensitive intuition she knows when something is up. And she is so committed to living in truth and living in alignment with her values that I feel safe we will never be running on the treadmill for too long at a stretch.
She allows me the safe space to speak my truth, the vision and heart to say “we can create whatever we want, we just have to choose it.”
I know she’s right. I haven’t been able to be brave enough to do what’s required to get off the treadmill when I was running a biz solo.
But thats the thing about collaboration hey? It makes you stronger and more resilient. No one thing in nature is separate from the rest. We need each other.
So maybe with each other’s support we can create something epic. Something we truly believe in. A legacy. Something that brings value the world as well as nurtures us.
Maybe we can do that. I'm beginning to believe we can.
.
Xxxxxxx
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